Found in Translation

It's so hard to process all that we have seen, all that we have experienced in this beautiful country. Today we spent 3 hours at the Consulate on a hot day in a very overcrowded, full room. So many of us were feeling ill from the heat and wait that we had to wait outside. It was not a fun experience  but not ONE child cried or was cranky. The kids are adjusting so well, including our Micah!

 

And yet, for so many of us, today has been the day that reality has set in. No longer are we waiting for our children. They are in our arms and we are now a family. This reality comes with great joy and great hardship.

 

TODAY I REALIZED IN A REAL AND CONCRETE WAY THAT I DO NOT KNOW THE CHILD I LOVE, THE CHILD I CALL MY SON.

 

The waiting has ended and the learning has begun. And I am learning much about Micah that I did not expect. He is a social guy in small groups, hates hats and potatoes, and really loves FOOD! I mean he loves food to the point that he will eat anytime, anywhere, most anything even if he gets sick.

 

Still, there is so much that I don't know that, at times, I am completely overwhelmed. When we went to the restaurant the first night, the waiter asked what I wanted for the baby, and we had no idea. I almost began to cry! I don't know the songs he likes, I don't know what he smiled at last week, I don't know what it felt like to be starving and then to be loved and cared for by a woman who is now absent from my life. What I do not know about my son breaks my heart and scares me to death. How do you parent a child you do not know? What language do you speak?

 

Will my love translate?

 

What I have found is beautiful. The same words that speak to my heart in the US ring true here. I often feel isolated as I am away from the close friends and family that know me well enough to see what I am feeling without explanation. I would love to have my Sherry or Ashley or my Mom with me right now. Without them, I still have my husband and my God and this is enough.

 

I keep clinging to what I do know. I know that we love BOTH of our sons with all our heart and that they were made for our family. I know that I serve and love a God who is bigger than my fears and failings. I know that my God would not bring me to Ethiopia only to abandon me with a child I do not know. What I do know is so much greater than what I do not. God knew what I could handle and I praise him for his mercy.

 

This evening we came home to dinner and were greeted by a small group of Spanish families adopting toddlers. One child was hysterical. I have never seen such a reaction and my heart is broken for this little boy. I tried to comfort his crying mother with my broken Spanish. I even tried to use Mehelet to speak to him. I felt powerless and heartbroken to see a little guy who looks so much like my Devon Michael so sad. I wonder how much he has lost, how many times he has cried like this alone, how many scars, tears, bad dreams, sicknesses went untreated. Does he even know what it means to be loved? Do we know what it means to be loved, truly loved as we are by our God? I watched his mother carry him up the stairs as he cried and fought her, screaming for something none of us can understand.

 

I told his mother "Necisistas tiempo y amore." He needs time and love. So do I. This journey has been so hard, so long, so draining. Here, at the end (but really the beginning) I feel stripped bare and exposed.

 

I know my God has held me so many days and nights throughout this journey as I, just like this child, screamed and fought him. He LOVED me even though I couldn't understand His love. He cared for me even though I couldn't see His tenderness. He prepared a home for Micah and prepares one for me even though I do not deserve it. So many times on this journey I have felt alone, a scared child just screaming for someone to explain the pain, to fix what was broken. I was UNDONE by this adoption.

 

But here, in Ethiopia, as I watch my sweet son sleep and can no longer hear the screams of that sweet toddler, I realize that I have found translation at last, and that it has been the making of me.

 

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so.