The Mountain View: I Wish I Had Known...

There's so much that I thought I knew, so much I was sure of that has been turned on its head during this time of transition and growth. The Christian life is often about growing in ways that you do not want to, ways that you don't think you need, ways you never see coming.

So is adoption.

Man, I wish I had known...

That he'd be so fat! I wouldn't have worried as much about his health.
That Micah would be sick for 8 weeks and counting. Perhaps I would have bought stock in Motrin and Orajel.
That you can actually cut 5 teeth in 2 weeks while having a double ear infection and still smile (at least during the day time...sweet angel boy!!).
That Ethiopia would be terrifyingly and hauntingly beautiful, and tragic.
That I wouldn't sleep through the night for 10 straight weeks and still be required to keep 2 children alive.
That the pain and fear doesn't stop when you're little one is in your arms. Really, its just beginning.
That a mother's heart has an infinite capacity to love and nurture and a refined memory. The faces of the children in Ethiopia are seared into my heart.
That you can temporarily ruin the life of one child by saving another.
That the truth "God controls the heart" also applies to my 4 year old who simply does not have a heart of love for his sweet brother.
That my house will not be clean for longer than 10 minutes until my children are in college.
That the laundry pile is actually endless.
That following God's path to Micah would be so tough, so tiring even now that we are home.
That I would mourn deeply for the time I had lost with him even when I have him.
That I would mourn deeply and feel guilty for the time that his Birth Mother and Nanny are missing with him.
That my mourning for these women would bring me closer to my God and fill my heart with love for a child who has been loved so well by so many others before me.
That his smile pours light into every corner of a room, and our hearts.
That I would lose much of myself in the needs and demands of two covenant children.
That losing myself is wonderfully freeing and fulfilling.
That God's plans are indeed infinitely more than we can ask or imagine, but they are often excruciatingly painful.