I Can Only Imagine

I never imagined my young life would be characterized by loss. But I can't tell you how many times I have heard "you've had your share." Tonight, my heart, my mind, my hands find themselves unable to pretend that I am not terrified, more like paralyzed by what has been and what might be. 

I never imagined...

I never imagined I'd watch my fiance bury is father; watch a family fall apart.

I never imagined I'd bury 4 grandparents in 4 years. 

I never imagined I would bury, my Daddy, horrifically and unexpectedly, at 23.

I never imagined having a child would be so hard, would take 4 years and be so painful.

And I never, ever imagined we'd bury Chad's baby sister, our heart, our Joy, Alana the day after my birthday when she was only 19. 

I never imagined I'd lose so much so young. Proverbs says it is good to bear the yolk in your youth. This yolk is so heavy to bear this evening. I am tired of a young life that has been defined by such loss, such pain, such sorrow.

Tonight, I am very aware of what I have lost out of fear of what I have yet to take hold. Only once in my life have I begged God for anything in such desperation and fear as I am this evening. I have found myself, again, begging for a child I have not held and do not know but LOVE to my core.

And yet, in all of this fear and sadness and sorrow, I can see His plan, His blessing, His love in ways I never imagined.

These are my stones in the Jordan River, the blessings I never imagined. These are His benefits to me.

I never imagined I would survive 2 brain tumors as a child without a visible scar.

I never imagined I would have a mother who could uplift beyond abuse and truly love an unexpected child with such ferocious protection and yet gentle care.

I never imagined God would replace a father who dug holes in my heart with a step-father who was made to fill them.

I never imagined I would find a man to love me at my most unlovable, a man who would stay.

I never imagined the rape of a woman I have never met could turn into such love in my heart for a child. I never imagined God could bless, could heal, could REDEEM out of such horrific cruelty and pain. 

I never imagined my heart could learn to love beyond sin and sadness and sorrow,  beyond itself on a rainy Saturday in March.

I never imagined that a child from Trenton could heal the wounds of an entire family.

And I never imagined that 3 years later my heart would stretch again, would tear and bleed and scar from a dream yet fulfilled, from a child so far away.

I never imagined I would LOVE so richly, so boldly, so painfully. 

And yet I realize, it is because I am loved so richly, so boldly, SO PAINFULLY that I can imagine LOVE at all...