...Our Family...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Brokenness and Truth

I've been wanting to write this post for over a year and haven't summoned the courage. This isn't easy to write and most likely won't be easy to read. I am sure there will be many who agree, many who disagree, and many who don't want to admit the truth about adoption. I'm writing this for myself, for catharsis, to "speak the truth in love..." and about love.

When I think about adoption I wish the only images that came to my mind were rainbows, smiles, and kisses. But this just isn't the truth. There are so many painful images that come to my mind, that are forever imprinted on my heart. To only tell the kisses would be lying to myself and to the world about what adoption is and what it is not.

Adoption is God's design. He authored it and obviously champions it as He had his only son come into the world as an adopted child. Adoption is wonderful and we are big fans.

But adoption exists because of pain, brokenness, despair, horror, and sadness. Adoption exists because of starvation, death, disease, abuse, rape, and other unspeakable horrors. Adoption is amazing and beautiful and love. But adoption is also misery, pain, hardship, torture, loss, and so much more.

This weekend we spent time with our great friends. They recently brought their child home from China and she is an amazing joy! BUT, there is struggle. There is pain. There is hardship. A gorgeous child who has seen so much hardship already and yet has finally come to a safe loving place. This is an amazing picture of redemption! But before redemption comes unspeakable pain.

The truth about adoption is that in order for it to exist one family must rip themselves from their child and give them up. A mother turns her head as nurses carry her baby away. A policeman holds a child as his mother walks away forever. A child is left on the side of a road while the mother secretly waits in hiding for someone to carry him away. A child watches his mother die and then is taken from all he knows to a home that is not his home.

However it happens it is painful, it is torture, it is life at its most brokenness.

It's easy to talk about how wonderful the child's life is now, how amazing it is to bring them into our home, how blessed they now are in their new life. BUT, that's not the only truth. The pain of their separation from their first family is true, it is real, and it is important to acknowledge. Jesus wept at the loss of Lazarus. He felt the truth, the pain, the ache of death as a human.

As adoptive parents we either acknowledge this reality or we don't. In order for us to have our child, to experience the joy and the love someone had to go through horror beyond understanding. This is the truth.

Lately we have been wondering where and how our little girl is. Has she been born? Is she healthy? Where is she now? This third time around I truly want to experience adoption for ALL that it is, not what I want it to be or what I think it should be. So, this time around I am allowing myself to wonder, ponder, cry over, and consider the whole truth of my child's life.

Right now she could be lying on the side of the road, screaming, waiting for someone to find her. She could be in the arms of a policeman watching her mother walk away. She could be in the arms of a nurse, her mother turning her head as she is carried away to a nursery. I just don't know. Does she miss her mother? And how will God minister to the hearts of those aching for my daughter well beyond my own aching?

I know that a family is in pain somewhere knowing that they will not see the smiles, get the kisses, rock, hold, sing, LOVE on my daughter though their love for her is just as strong. I love this family. I hate the brokenness that will eventually bring my daughter to me. So much of my heart wishes it didn't have to be.

But I love the REDEMPTION that is adoption. I look forward to the redemption, to the kisses, to the small hand that will fit perfectly in mine. I look forward to sharing her story and my heart with her.

Right now I am allowing the truth and brokenness of adoption to seep into my heart. I don't want to miss this part. I don't want to be too afraid to acknowledge this dark, sad side of adoption.

The light of redemption will be so much brighter after walking in this darkness,.

5 comments:

curlyQ said...

well said kim..you know i know this is true, but could never put it so eloquently-thanks for putting words to it! love you

Sarah said...

Beautifully said - I love that you put it into words in such a personal way.

kim said...

It's heartache at it's worst. I watch my sweet S struggle with it daily. Her sadness will be for a long time - I just pray that God heals her hurts.... and the hurts of her birth family. Only He can heal and mend the broken .... Great Post Kim!

The Gang's Momma! said...

Wow. Wow. Just wow.


I've had this post marked in my files since the day you put it up. I've read it and re-read it. It's really good stuff. So hard to come to terms with. Not that we'll ever fully be able to understand what it means, but it's so important to try, for our kids' sake.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to share this with a couple folks that I think would love it as much as I do.... May I link? Let me know - you can connect with me via my blog...

Chris said...

I came over via The Gang's Momma blog....

I pretty much agree with all you have said!!
There are times when I look at my two youngest girls (who we adopted from China)and am overwhelmed with complete sadness for their first families...for the way my girls have come into my life...for my little girls' pain and confusion and many unanswered questions....for their past...for the horrific separation from their mothers...for the unfair reasons and/or circumstances that led their first parents to a place of no return...

Then as I look at my two precious little ones I am also overwhelmed with complete love for them...complete devotion to them...complete thankfulness for them...

Their smiles, their joy, their laughter are mine to embrace...I wish somehow I could share these things with their first moms...
I must admit I think of {them} often....

Thank you for this post! You have put into words the thoughts that constantly cascade through my mind...

I love the redemption that is adoption! I love how God can bring beauty from ashes...I love how He can provide the healing...the trust...the love...
But we must always acknowledge the pain, the sadness, the brokenness...I don't think we need to wallow in it...but we must acknowledge it...and then move forward with the grace of God.

I am sure that I pretty much just restated what you said! ;)
I guess I needed to finally put into words some of my feelings about the some of the sad truths of adoption as well!

Thanks for allowing me to do so!

Blessings as you continue your journey to your third child!

I do plan on visiting again!