Hello! We are starting to emerge from our exhaustion induced hibernation! I've been trying to write this post for 2 days! If there were an adoption dictionary, the definition of post travel transition would be CHAOS and EXHAUSTION!! The house is a wreck, the laundry still not complete, the grocery list mounting...But, my sweet kids are fed, somewhat clean, and generally happy. I have sacrificed my need for order and cleanliness for a greater need, peace and SLEEP.
So, LOTS of changes in our house over the past few days. Micah is a dream, truly. He's getting up once a night and then up for good around 5-6. We're dog tired from the jet lag and all still trying to figure out our new roles and where we fit into this new family God has created. It's exhausting work, my friends!
We often say "God builds a house" and believe it to be true. Then, you SEE it happen in your life and it's amazing, more than words can explain. Micah is PERFECT for us. He's a happy baby, a great sleeper, and has many of the same triggers as his brother which make managing his meltdowns much easier for us as we are familiar with them (hates having his diaper changed, face wiped, waiting for food, sleeping alone, etc.) This is a real gift from the Lord. We couldn't be more in awe of his grace to us.
Micah is doing so well, we feel like he has always been a part of our family. We expected a much harder transition with him and are so thankful for his easy going nature. He's happy most of the time and really has begun to show signs of attachment. We went for a walk yesterday and when he saw the neighbors, he tucked his head into my neck and hid. I almost melted! He's also making great strides while taking his bottle. He looks us in the eyes now and will allow us to hold his bottle. He'll often play with our free hands while he's eating. He's a sweetheart and it takes about 3 seconds to fall in love with him.
It's a good thing Micah is adjusting so well because Devon Michael is having some issues ;0) I can hear the screaming right now. Sharing Mommy and Daddy has been so tough and sharing toys is nearly impossible. Yesterday he hit us many times out of frustration. We are trying to be patient and help him with this transition but it is so hard when we're exhausted and have no energy.
We aren't sure how to comfort him or help him fall in love with Micah as we have. He is grieving the loss of our family as it used to be. This is heartbreaking for us to watch.
Much of what he is experiencing we experienced during our wait for Micah. We had all the hardships of being Micah's parents without any of the benefits. Devon is experiencing all the hardships of having a brother without the benefits. Micah can't play with him, he can't swing or throw a ball. Micah takes up time from Mommy and Daddy without putting back into the family in a way that Devon can understand. This is so tough for Devon and he needs so much grace and love, so much more than we thought and were prepared for. This has been our biggest struggle yet and we are still trying to adjust our parenting, intentionally planning reactions, play dates, etc. to minimize and help the adjustment process.
Did I mention that this is EXHAUSTING??!!
Chad is doing pretty well. What he is struggling with most is the complete lack of free time and personal space. His exhausted wife is a bit frustrating as is his 4 year old who wants to jump and wrestle all the time ;0). He's been hurt physically more times in the past 4 days by Dev than in 4 years. Oh, and there's the constant wiping of butts and anti-bacting of hands that is becomming quite annoying.
I'm still struggling with my stomach. It vacillates between pain and ache. I am sure my system just needs some time to adjust after our 10 day trip around the world and back again. If I felt well, we'd be doing just great. Until then, I'd say we're at about 75%.
I am also struggling a bit with my new role as Mommy of two. Whose needs come first? How do I choose between the 4 year old who can verbalize his needs and the 11 month old who cant? If I have to choose, does it mean I am sacrificing one for the other? I wish I had four arms instead of the two exhausted ones I have!
Honestly, I am the one struggling with the orphanage dust bunnies, not Micah! I feel the desperate need to undo all that 11 months of no parents has done to Micah. I am judging myself and Micah's reactions constantly against an invisible and unrealistic attachment yard stick. If I let him cry then he won't attach to me. If I don't meet his needs immediately, then he won't know I'm his mommy. If I yell or overreact, then he'll want her (Muluwork) back and not want me. These are absurd lies but they are ringing in my ears.
I am constantly whispering over and over again what my sweet friend Bethany Taylor said on her blog in January, when it comes to adoption and attachment, "time and truth are on my side." I wish this phrase would sink into my heart more quickly. As it stands, it seems like the space between my head and heart is the length of a marathon that I do not have the energy or wherewithal to run.
Yet, as I type, I can hear the sweet snore of my new baby boy and I feel overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness. Why did God choose us to parent this miracle child? How can we stand up to this task? It's very tempting to feel defeated and like a failure already.
But, time and truth are on my side and YOURS, my friends! I am going to fail. That's the beautiful truth of parenting. And when we do fail, we can point our eyes and the eyes of our children towards the one who never will. What peace this brings to my Mommy heart.
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so.
